Discouragement and Courage

I’m finding it increasingly difficult to not get discouraged. My weight loss has slowed down a lot, and that need for instant gratification tends to weigh heavily in my mind. I catch myself wanting to find some cure all pill, or an extreme weight loss diet in order to shed an extreme amount of weight in a short time. And why? I think I might be getting addicted to the attention I have been receiving. I want people to see me. I want people to be proud of me. Is that because deep down I’m still not proud of myself? Am I stuck on a boulder in the path to self love? It’s how it feels. I feel stuck. I feel self hatred coming back full force in my mind. I am becoming increasingly dependent on the opinion of others to keep me going. I need to stop it, but I don’t know how. I started an Instagram page to document my progress, this life altering journey I am on. Today, I noticed that I had lost 8 followers in the course of an evening and I got extremely upset. I began to wonder what I had done wrong to make them leave? Was it the post about watching “The Greatest Showman”? Was it because I posted one too many selfies? Were my photos not professional enough? I wanted answers desperately this morning. I wanted to know what it was that I needed to fix in order for those people to come back. Then it dawned on me… WHAT?!?!?! My inner voice began talking at this point, and this is what she said:Excuse me, you’re upset about what? Because some complete strangers that you don’t even know who they are, where they live, what their life is like, decided to stop following you? You literally know nothing about them, and you’re ready to jump off the fucking deep end in order to impress them?! What is that going to accomplish? How is that going to make your life richer? How is that going to make you happy? You still can’t even look in the mirror without finding something to criticize. Do you think that these people value you? That they will improve your self worth? No, they won’t. This Instagram page wasn’t meant to be about how many followers you got, or how many likes you received. This was supposed to be for you. A virtual journal that you could look back on, and something that you hoped would one day inspire someone else to make those positive changes in their life, too. You are not responsible for their happiness. You are responsible for yours. Stop looking at those likes, or how many followers you have. Stop worrying about being liked by others and get back to learning to like yourself. One day, you’ll find that the self love that you were seeking will be there, because of your own strength and determination, not because of strangers on the internet. Get back to why you started this in the first place. Get back to learning how to love yourself. She was right, on all accounts. My inner voice is a very strong woman. I think I need to let her talk more often. So starting today, I’m gonna work on posting pictures that I like, not ones that I think others will like. So what should that be? πŸ€”Eh, I guess we’ll find out!

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