Finding Beauty in Myself

I have never been one too look at myself and see beauty. I’m sure a lot of people are like that. You see your face every day. You are always going to see something, right??

All I see is my weight, anymore. There are days when I think to myself “why bother?” I mean, it’s not like I’m ever gonna be sexy and pretty. That’s what I tell myself when I’m struggling for control over my eating disorder. And that’s what overeating is. It’s an eating disorder.

The other night, I gave into temptation. I was at my brother’s house, last minute babysitting. I didn’t have time to go home because the roads were crappy, so I looked on my Weight Watchers app and found some fast food that wouldn’t put me over my points. I succeeded, by the skin of my teeth. I even had to pull a few points from my fitpoints, but that was fine with me, at the time.

When he gets back home, he tells me he’s ordered a pizza, if I wanted to stick around and have some. Here’s where everything went wrong. To put this into perspective, I had intended to go to a yoga class that evening and had opted out so I could help out my brother. By doing so, I created a bad mindset. I started to internally beat myself up and that, in turn, caused a well of depression and self-hatred to start rising up inside of me.

When moments like this happen with me, I don’t look at it and say “then go work out!!! If it bothers you that much, do it. It’s not too late.” No. When moments like this happen with me, I give up. And when I heard him mention the pizza, I wasn’t even hungry, or craving pizza, even. But I knew that it would taste good. I knew that, while eating the pizza, I would feel happy. I would eat it fast and hard, and I would have an intense feeling of satisfaction afterwards. Never mind that the satisfaction lasts mere minutes before the guilt settles in.

That’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. And, in the past, I had a tendency to give up completely at that point. There was no “picking it up and dusting it off” the next day. Nope. I would give up completely and go right back to my old eating habits and my sedentary lifestyle.

But how is that going to get me to my goals??? How am I ever going to be able to experience the things in life that I want to experience when I give up every time I screw up?

So yesterday, after a really bad night of eating bad pizza and beating myself up, I just… acted as if it didn’t happen. Not that I was trying to deny the truth, I just decided to not dwell on it any longer. I made myself some healthy meals for the day and proceeded to do better for myself. And when my sister texted me to see if I wanted to work out with her, I jumped at the chance.

It felt great. To be able to stand up and dust myself off and refuse to give up was something I could have never done before. Any time I have ever lost weight in the past, I would only lose weight for the amount of time that it took for my willpower to give out. This time, it’s not going to stop me. This time, I’m going to acknowledge that it’s natural, that it happens to everyone and that it’s not a game ender.

Today, I’m going to look into my mirror and find something, other than my eye color, that I find beautiful.

Today, I will be stronger than I was the day before, and tomorrow I will be stronger than I am today. I will persist.

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